Lottery Windfall

A woman buys a lottery ticket for a dollar. She wins the lottery and goes to the counter to claim her winnings. The man behind the counter verifies the woman's ticket number and she says: I want my $20 million. Where is it?
The man behind the counter replies: No, ma'am. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The woman says: Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.
Again, the man explains that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The woman, furious with the man, screams out:
 

Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 million dollars right now, then I want my dollar back!

Will Power Problem

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
Doctor, you must help me, she pleaded. It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.
I see, nodded the psychiatrist. And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?
 

For god's sake, no! exclaimed the Nurse. I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.

Last Wish

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him: Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!
Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!
Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money.
 

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

Chocolate Cake

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note from my girl, Don't eat me.
 

Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

Car Problem

A woman came home one day and told her husband: Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.
Her husband asked her what it was and she told him it had water in the injectors. The husband thought for a moment, then said: I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the injectors from the accelerator.
No, there's definitely water in the injectors, she insisted.
 

OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it? the husband asked.
In the lake.

Wrong Idea

Mr. White, the biology teacher at a posh suburban girls' school, asked during class: Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body that, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily: Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.
With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure, replied: The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
 

Correct, said Mr. White. Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

Greatest Hitter in World

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: I'm the greatest hitter in the world, he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
Strike one! he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again: I'm the greatest hitter in the world!
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
Strike two! he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more: I'm the greatest hitter in the world!
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
Strike three!
 

Wow! he exclaimed: I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An old man is lying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly notices the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulls himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife is baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reaches for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacks him across the back of his hand.
 

Leave them alone, she exclaims: They're for the funeral!

Naked Gambling

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude.
They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice.
Then she screams: I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: What did she roll, anyway?
 

The second dealer says: I don't know. I thought you were watching.

Library Complain

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said: I have a complaint!
Yes, Ma'am? said the librarian looking up at her.
I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!
Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked: What was wrong with it?
It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever! said the blonde.
 

The librarian nodded and said: Ahhh... So you must be the person who took our phone book.

Can't say No

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?
Yeah, sure thing, replied his friend, fire away.
Well, said the first guy, why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?
It's probably because of her speech impediment, replied the second guy.
What do you mean her speech impediment?"inquired the first fellow: My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!
 

Well, replied his friend, you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say 'NO'

Guilty

After a trial had been going on for three days, Clark, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty, he said.
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience? he demanded.
 

Clark looked up wide-eyed and stated: Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.

Touch Down

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks: What in the world was that?
The man says: Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing.
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her: What was that?
She replies: Touchdown, tie score.
The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
 

The wife asks: Now what in the world was that? He replies: Half time. Switch sides.

Too Crowded Delivery Room

Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician.
 

Nah, replied the mother-to-be, he and my husband don’t get along.

I don't Smoke

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
 

No thanks, the girl says. You know I don't smoke.

Lost

A drunk man was walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth.
A policeman came up to him and asked, Sir, what are you doing?
The drunk replied, I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.
The police officer said, Sir, do you know your zipper is down?
 

The drunk replied, Damn, I lost my wife too!

A Gift

A couple has not been getting along for years, so the wife buys her husband a cemetery plot for his birthday.
Well, you can imagine his disappointment. The next year, his birthday rolls around again and this time she doesn’t get him anything.
Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!? he asks angrily....!

Are you kidding me? She replies, You didn’t use what I got you last year!

Going to see the Doctor

An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.
Where are you going? his wife asked.
I’m going to the doctor, he replied.
Why? she asked. Are you sick?
No, he said. I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.
So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.
Where are you going?” the old man asked.
I’m going to the doctor too, she replied.
Why? he asked.
 

If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!

A Duck Walks into a Dairy

A duck walks into a dairy and says
Give me some chap stick, put it on my bill!
But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him.
He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed.
The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer.

The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips... heh heh heh

Wrong Bus

A drunk man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says: I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell! 

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts: Man, I'm on the wrong bus!