Second Hand Goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: So, how do you like using second-hand goods?
 

Doesn't bother me, the new husband replies. Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new.

Team Work

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?
The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?
The little boy nodded yes. 
So, the coach continued, when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. 
Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded. 
Good, said the coach. Now go over there and explain it to your mother.

Robot lie Detector

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides 2 test it at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: at School. Robot slaps son! Ok, I lied, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was a day with a pornstar.

DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was..Robot
slaps Dad!
MOM: Ha ha! After all he's your son. Robot slaps mom..

Best Sex

After his exam the doctor said to David, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said David' After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.' After examining his elderly wife Roberta, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?

Roberta replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?' 'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December.'

Drunken Stranger

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance, says the husband, it is 3:00 in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that? asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push, he answers.
Did you help him? she asks.
No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!
Well, you have a short memory, says his wife. Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out I into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, Hello, are you still there?
Yes, comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you? asks the husband.
Over here on the swing, replied the drunk.

Boobs are too Small

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my boobs are too small. 
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 
If you want your boobs to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my boobs. 
How long will this take? I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies. 
I stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my boobs every day will make my boobs larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says: Worked for your ass, didn't it?
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Why are Wedding Dresses White?

Son asked his mother the following question:
Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,
Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his
father.
Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the
son replies :  WHITE.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine,
the stove, etc etc.

Then he tells the son:
Son, all household appliances come in white.

No Worries

When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden, a young woman said to her boyfriend.

That's very kind of you, darling,” her boyfriend replied: but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Well, that's because we aren't married yet.

Saving your Life

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!” 

Who's the Bride

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?

Best Offer for Wedding

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out.
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Women is a Ball

A woman is like a ball:
Even 20 years is like a football, has 22 men running behind.
From 20 to 40 years is like a basketball, the number of men chasing drops to 10.

40 to 60 years is like a golf ball: only one run behind.
Above 60 is like a tennis ball: one pushes the other.

Hope

Never have a mother with the name of Hope! 

Why hope is the last who dies!

Married 50 Years

On the Golden Jubilee, the woman tells her husband:
Honey, 50 years ago today we got married! Shall I send to kill a chicken or a pig to celebrate?

Neither one nor the other! ? replies the husband? What fault have the bugs the shit we did?

Now or Never

At the time of the wedding the priest makes the traditional question:? Is there anyone here who knows of any fact that may impede the achievement of this marriage? 
A guy who is watching whispers to a friend:? I know ... And the friend, also whispering? 

So why do not you speak? ? Are you crazy? If you have to say who I'm married!

Course Etiquette

The woman is doing the course etiquette, and at night, bristles eat somewhat abrupt with her ​​husband about it invests. 
Olaf - she says, very serious - I demand good manners in bed, assimcomo have the right to demand them on the table. 
Surprised and angry, the husband gets up, goes to the mirror, combing oscabelos, is a deodorant and back to bed. 
All right, now? - Question. 

Looks great - the woman responds. 
So will you please pass me your pussy?

Mock The Virgin

Claudette is about to marry Claudio. But Claudius can not imagine that Claudette is no longer a virgin for a long time. On the wedding day, desperate, she enlists the help of a friend:
For God's sake, Rosalva! I do not like to disappoint Claudio?
It does so? advised her friend with an air of pro? Grab a balloon and put in place the Imen!
Those children's party? ? Claudette asks, startled.
That's right, but speaks softly! You will see, it will fall straight! Has worked with me 37 times!
So she follows the advice of her friend and when He asks for your partner go to the bathroom a second, to prepare it for him.

When he returns she is already in position, ready to act. At the time of penetration, Claudio hears a pop, gets scared and looks for a few seconds for the genitals of Claudette.
What was love? ? she asks? Never seen a hymen?
Yes ... but written "Happy Birthday" is the first time!