Will Power Problem

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
Doctor, you must help me, she pleaded. It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.
I see, nodded the psychiatrist. And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?
 

For god's sake, no! exclaimed the Nurse. I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.

Wrong Idea

Mr. White, the biology teacher at a posh suburban girls' school, asked during class: Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body that, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily: Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.
With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure, replied: The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
 

Correct, said Mr. White. Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

K-9 to the Rescue

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
What's the moaning all about, ma'am? asked the officer.
 

The blonde replied: I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!

Too Crowded Delivery Room

Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician.
 

Nah, replied the mother-to-be, he and my husband don’t get along.

Going to see the Doctor

An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.
Where are you going? his wife asked.
I’m going to the doctor, he replied.
Why? she asked. Are you sick?
No, he said. I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.
So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.
Where are you going?” the old man asked.
I’m going to the doctor too, she replied.
Why? he asked.
 

If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!

Wrong Bus

A drunk man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says: I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell! 

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts: Man, I'm on the wrong bus!

Car Accident

A woman and her boyfriend are speeding down a country lane after leaving a party. The woman decides she wants to have some fun so she takes off all of her clothes so she can flash other motorists.
Unfortunately, the man gets a little distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but the man is trapped in the wreckage.
The only cover she can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch, runs to a nearby garage and shouts: Help my boyfriend is stuck!
 

The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, It looks like you’ll need a doctor, he’s too far in...!

Breast Implants

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says, Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now.
But I see you looking at other women, pleaded his wife, and I want to be as attractive as they are to you.
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time.
You think that'll make my breasts larger!? asked his wife.
 

Why not?" says the husband, It worked on your ass!

Don't Worry

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye.
Her husband's best friend says: Who was it?
That was my husband, she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
 

Relax, said the wife. He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you.

Winding up the Tough Guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, I fucked your mother.
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. Hey, I fucked your mother.
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother.
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
 

That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk.

What type of Tracks?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Cannibals

One day three people were stuck on an island with cannibals.
The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won’t kill you".
So the 3 people followed the orders which were to go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of your choice.
So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The person held his composure however then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
 

The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". However as much as he tried to restrain himself the person burst into tears laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.
In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "why did you start laughing?

The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples.