K-9 to the Rescue

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
What's the moaning all about, ma'am? asked the officer.
 

The blonde replied: I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!

A Duck Walks into a Dairy

A duck walks into a dairy and says
Give me some chap stick, put it on my bill!
But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him.
He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed.
The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer.

The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips... heh heh heh

Fortune Telling

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told: You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog says: This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?
 

No, says the psychic: Next semester, in her biology class.

Future Value

A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
Oh, about $200 today, said the rancher. But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out.
The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
 

Here, is the check for $900, he said. It's postdated six years from now.

Sticky Hair

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.
Bear says, Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
Rabbit replies, No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?
 

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

An attorney was on Vacation

An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.
 

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Sandwich in Sex

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. 
The little boy asks his mom, Mommy, mommy, what are they doing? The lady responded, They’re making a sandwich. 
Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. 
A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said Mommy, Daddy,

You must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. 

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
Dear, she chirped, I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.

Heart Transplant

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. 
The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. 
A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. 

The doctor asks him, How are you feeling? The man replies Not BAAAAD!

Condom Fits on a Camel

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. 
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. 
Sunny: What's that? 
Tina: A condom. 
Sunny: Where'd you get it?
Tina: You can get them at any chemist
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. 
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. 

Doesn't matter, she replied, as long as it fits on a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.

Trained Frog in Sex

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, Did you do what I told you to do?
Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing! she shouts. 
The owner, looking confused, replies, It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties. 

What? she shouts. 
Turning to the frog, he says, Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!

Spoiled Mom

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, What's that?"
That's the elephant's tail, she replies.
No, under the tail, says the youngster. 
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, Oh, nothing.
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, That's the elephant's penis, son.

So, why did mum say it was nothing? asks the boy. 
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, Son, I've spoiled that woman.

Viagra for Birds

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. 
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. 
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. 

How come you are sweating? he asks. 
The parrot replies, Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?

Sex With The Gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. 
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500? he asks. 

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this. The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third. 
Well, says the janitor, I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500

Horse

The man was quietly reading his paper when his wife gives him a head frigideirada. 
- What is it? Are you crazy? - He reacted angrily. 
- That's the ticket I found in the pocket of his pants, with a phone of this Marilú! 
- But, dear ... That was the day I went to horse racing. Marilú was was the name of the horse I bet and this number was the total value of bets ... 
The woman was all confused and was divided into excuses. Days later he was re-reading your newspaper and bang, take another pan on the head. 
- What now, dear? - He protested. 
- Your horse is on the phone ...!

Some Broken Eggs

The teacher asks the student: 
- Zequinha! You have 27 eggs, 9 break. How many are left? 
And Zequinha: 
- Ah, fessora ... So when it's hard! I think about home and tomorrow I answer? 
The teacher agreed. And he comes back the next day. 
- Fessora. I want to talk to you! 
- I know. You will answer how many eggs are left, right? 
- No! I want to ask you how many teats has a nut! 
- I do not know, Zequinha ... 
- You see? Yesterday the lady got me for eggs. Today I took the lady by the tits!

Married 50 Years

On the Golden Jubilee, the woman tells her husband:
- Honey, 50 years ago today we got married! Shall I send to kill a chicken or a pig to celebrate?
- Neither one nor the other! ? replies the husband? What fault have the bugs the shit we did?

A Family Affair

A young couple traveling through a country road and because of a routine discussion, were not talking for a few hours ... 
Neither of them wanted to take the plunge until when they passed a farm where he had some pigs and a cow grazing, the husband decides to break the ice: 
- They are your relatives? 
And she, keeping the level: 
- Yes ... They are my mother and my in-laws..!!