Will Power Problem

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
Doctor, you must help me, she pleaded. It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.
I see, nodded the psychiatrist. And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?
 

For god's sake, no! exclaimed the Nurse. I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.

Wrong Idea

Mr. White, the biology teacher at a posh suburban girls' school, asked during class: Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body that, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily: Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.
With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure, replied: The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
 

Correct, said Mr. White. Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

Too Crowded Delivery Room

Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician.
 

Nah, replied the mother-to-be, he and my husband don’t get along.

Going to see the Doctor

An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.
Where are you going? his wife asked.
I’m going to the doctor, he replied.
Why? she asked. Are you sick?
No, he said. I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.
So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.
Where are you going?” the old man asked.
I’m going to the doctor too, she replied.
Why? he asked.
 

If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!

Fortune Telling

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told: You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog says: This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?
 

No, says the psychic: Next semester, in her biology class.

Obsession

A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids. You all have obsessions, he observes.
To the first mother, he says: You’re obsessed with eating - you’ve even named your daughter Candy.
He turns to the second mother and says: Your obsession is money. It shows in your child’s name, Penny.
 

He goes to the third mother and says: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows in your child’s name, Brandy.The fourth mother then quietly gets up and whispers to her boy: Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home.

Mum's Operation

Two women were bemoaning the state of the Health Service. One said, Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?
That's appalling, said the other woman. What a terrible way to treat someone of that age.
 

I know, said the first woman. It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, 'Mum, do you really need bigger boobs?'

Six Months to Live

Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news, the doctor told his anxious patient. You only have six months to live.
The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. I can't possibly pay you in that time, he said.
 

OK, the doctor said. let's make it nine months.

Remedy Problem

A woman goes to see her doctor and explains that every time she sneezes, she has a massive climax.
Are you taking anything for it? her doctor asks.
 

 Yes, she replies: Pepper.

Breast Implants

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says, Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now.
But I see you looking at other women, pleaded his wife, and I want to be as attractive as they are to you.
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time.
You think that'll make my breasts larger!? asked his wife.
 

Why not?" says the husband, It worked on your ass!

Brain's Cost

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
How much does it cost for engineer brain?
Three dollars an ounce.
How much does it cost for programmer brain?
Four dollars an ounce.
How much for lawyer brain?
$1,000 an ounce.

Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?

Heart Transplant

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. 
The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. 
A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. 

The doctor asks him, How are you feeling? The man replies Not BAAAAD!

Insomnia

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
Listen, the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

I know, said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone.

Missing Thermometer

A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.
In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!

Pain Reliever

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.
"I can't do the gas thing!” the man protested. “The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
 

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient said. "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

Emergency Doctor Visit

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Boy or Girl

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!
How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
 

Easy, says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"

Dentist Visit

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.
 

I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife.."Show him, honey."

Psychiatric Hotline

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Pretty Bad News

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.