Last Wish

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him: Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!
Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!
Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money.
 

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

Car Problem

A woman came home one day and told her husband: Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.
Her husband asked her what it was and she told him it had water in the injectors. The husband thought for a moment, then said: I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the injectors from the accelerator.
No, there's definitely water in the injectors, she insisted.
 

OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it? the husband asked.
In the lake.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An old man is lying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly notices the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulls himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife is baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reaches for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacks him across the back of his hand.
 

Leave them alone, she exclaims: They're for the funeral!

Touch Down

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks: What in the world was that?
The man says: Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing.
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her: What was that?
She replies: Touchdown, tie score.
The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
 

The wife asks: Now what in the world was that? He replies: Half time. Switch sides.

Too Crowded Delivery Room

Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician.
 

Nah, replied the mother-to-be, he and my husband don’t get along.

I don't Smoke

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
 

No thanks, the girl says. You know I don't smoke.

A Gift

A couple has not been getting along for years, so the wife buys her husband a cemetery plot for his birthday.
Well, you can imagine his disappointment. The next year, his birthday rolls around again and this time she doesn’t get him anything.
Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!? he asks angrily....!

Are you kidding me? She replies, You didn’t use what I got you last year!

Going to see the Doctor

An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.
Where are you going? his wife asked.
I’m going to the doctor, he replied.
Why? she asked. Are you sick?
No, he said. I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.
So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.
Where are you going?” the old man asked.
I’m going to the doctor too, she replied.
Why? he asked.
 

If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!

Car Accident

A woman and her boyfriend are speeding down a country lane after leaving a party. The woman decides she wants to have some fun so she takes off all of her clothes so she can flash other motorists.
Unfortunately, the man gets a little distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but the man is trapped in the wreckage.
The only cover she can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch, runs to a nearby garage and shouts: Help my boyfriend is stuck!
 

The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, It looks like you’ll need a doctor, he’s too far in...!

Last Will

When Jim retired, he and his wife, who was much, much younger, moved to Wellington. Once they'd settled in, he decided it was about time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer.
I want it to be nice and straightforward, he instructed the attorney: Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, under the condition that she remarry within the year.
Fine, Mr. Ramsey, said the lawyer: But do you mind my asking why the condition?
 

Simple: I want at least one person to be sorry I died.

Ball Point in Space

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
 

The Russians used a pencil.

My wife is Better

Jake and his buddy Fred visit a brothel. Jake goes into the room with the prostitute first while Fred waits outside.
When he's done, Jake closes the door behind him and says: Don't waste your time. My wife's better.
But Fred goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says:
 

Damn, Jake, you were right. Your wife is better.

Going on Vacation

A man is talking to his friend and he says: I'm about to go on vacation, and I don't know what to do.
His buddy asks: Why?
And the man says: Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was the Bahamas. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was Paris. I came back and my wife was pregnant again.
His buddy asks: So what are you going to do differently this year?
 

And the guy says: Well, this year I'm going to bring my wife.

Unusual Affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.
His second friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.
Paddy says, I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
 

No, I’m serious, Paddy says. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.

Second Hand Goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: So, how do you like using second-hand goods?
 

Doesn't bother me, the new husband replies. Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new.

Breast Implants

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says, Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now.
But I see you looking at other women, pleaded his wife, and I want to be as attractive as they are to you.
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time.
You think that'll make my breasts larger!? asked his wife.
 

Why not?" says the husband, It worked on your ass!

Don't Worry

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye.
Her husband's best friend says: Who was it?
That was my husband, she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
 

Relax, said the wife. He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you.

How much Dollars for Sex ?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her
Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?
Without skipping a beat she screams
Yes!
The man then asks
What about for $20?
She looks at him sideways and says
What do you think I am, a whore?
The man says
 

We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating.

Flowers

Woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband.
Now I guess he'll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air.
 

Why? asks her friend, Don't you have a vase?

Winding up the Tough Guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, I fucked your mother.
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. Hey, I fucked your mother.
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother.
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
 

That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk.