Greatest Hitter in World

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: I'm the greatest hitter in the world, he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
Strike one! he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again: I'm the greatest hitter in the world!
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
Strike two! he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more: I'm the greatest hitter in the world!
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
Strike three!
 

Wow! he exclaimed: I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.

Obsession

A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids. You all have obsessions, he observes.
To the first mother, he says: You’re obsessed with eating - you’ve even named your daughter Candy.
He turns to the second mother and says: Your obsession is money. It shows in your child’s name, Penny.
 

He goes to the third mother and says: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows in your child’s name, Brandy.The fourth mother then quietly gets up and whispers to her boy: Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home.

Mum's Operation

Two women were bemoaning the state of the Health Service. One said, Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?
That's appalling, said the other woman. What a terrible way to treat someone of that age.
 

I know, said the first woman. It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, 'Mum, do you really need bigger boobs?'

What is a pussy?

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. Mom, the boy asks, What’s a pussy?
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says Son, that is a pussy. the son then asks What’s a bitch? The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says Son, this is a bitch.
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says Dad, what’s a pussy? The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says Son, this is a pussy!

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks Then, what is a bitch?
The dad replies, That’s everything outside the circle.

Sandwich in Sex

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. 
The little boy asks his mom, Mommy, mommy, what are they doing? The lady responded, They’re making a sandwich. 
Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. 
A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said Mommy, Daddy,

You must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!

Ketchup

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. 
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
It’s the minister, Mommy, the child said to her mother. 

Then she added, Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. 
She’s hitting the bottle.

Team Work

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?
The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?
The little boy nodded yes. 
So, the coach continued, when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. 
Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded. 
Good, said the coach. Now go over there and explain it to your mother.

Worm Trick

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said Ok Grandpa, watch this. Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said  Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that.
Grandpa said  No, you keep it.

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said No Grandpa. You already paid me.
Grandpa replied  That money was from Grandma.

Difference Between Confident and Confidential

Son - Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?
 

Dad - Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.

Difference Between Hypothetical and Reality

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”
The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

Rain Very Strong

In the womb, twins talk:
Outside should be raining a lot! ? said one.
Why? ? asked the other.

Hey ... Have not you noticed that the milkman came to cover today?

Napping in the Church

The parents take the child for eight years and seven little sister to church. 
They sit in the front row so that the child can appreciate the Mass as well. 
But boys of eight years do not usually enjoy church, 
especially this one. 
And he falls asleep in the middle the sermon. 
Father notes this, and decides to give him a scare. 
He makes a direct question to him: 
And you, my boy, tell who was who created heaven and earth? 
The sister of the kid sticks a pin in the ass the boy who wakes up 
startled and yells: 
My God 
Well, my son - says the priest. 
After all, it is wrong ... The staff is around, looking for the 
boy ... But after a while the boy back to sleep, and the priest sees that 
needs to wake him again. 
Then he asks: 

And answer me now, who was the son of Mary and Joseph? 
girl back to stick a pin in the butt boy who wakes up and says 
aloud: 
Jesus! 
The priest realizes what happened, but can not say anything. People pay 
more attention to the boy ... The answer is correct! 
But soon after the boy dozing again and the priest asks: 
What Eve said to Adam when they woke up after the first night 
together? 
But before he could give her little sister him another dig, the boy 
screams: 
IF YOU stick your BUSINESS IN MY ASS YOU AGAIN I'll burst!

The Circle of Success

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants, 
age 10, success is having friends, 
age 20, success is having sex at 
age 40, success is having sex and money; 

At age 60, success is having sex, 
age 70, success is having friends still alive, 
age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

Request for Birth

The two little girls talking in the range of school:
What will you ask for birthday?
A doll, a ball and a game pazinhas to play in the sand. And you?
I'll ask a sanitary napkin.

What is this? Question the other already feeling low.
What I do not know, but I saw on television with that we can swim, bike, horseback riding, dancing ...!

Educated Child

At school the teacher asks the student. 
André if you were in romantic dinner with a girl and wished to go to the bathroom to say? 
Excuse girl go to the bathroom, said Andrew. 
Responds to teacher: 
It is impolite to say the bathroom dinner, and you would like Cleber? 
Excuse me miss more accurate drawing water from the knee. 
Responds to teacher: 

It is unethical to say that more was better, and you'd like Louie? 
Excuse Me Miss takes leave for a few minutes because I'll give a hand to a good friend I want to introduce you to after dinner.

Peace

Dear Santa 
I have been a good girl this year. 
The only thing I ask is peace and love to the world ... 
Love, Sara
Dear Sarah: 

You've been smoking pot? 
Love, Santa

Sandwiched Baby

A girl was at the doctor see the child, since he had been born and had passed the time of birth. The doctor that she will now drink 1 liter of water per day that he was born ... spent a month and she returned to have the baby, began surgery ...... 
Where was almost over, a wave of water came from within her belly, the baby comes out and says ....

I got screwed swim olê, olê, hello. iron is that I know nothing.

Dwarf Lost

Two ladies found a dwarf lost and confused in the street with a boy. Then decided to take him home. Arriving home, decided to take a bath in "boy." 
Once they took the clothes of the same were alarmed by the size of the thing:

Boy what is your age? 
Carenta and TLEs..!!

Monica and Chives

Monica's Mother said: 
Monica go to the market, and if you behave I'll buy you a lollipop. 
Tabom Mãe.Disse Monica. 
her Mother came out, did not knock on the door 10 minutes! 
TOOC TOOC TOOC ... 
The Monica said: 
Who is it?? 
I'm Jimmy, let me go. 
not that Mom does not like Daddy. 
just a little will. 
Tabom

Monica go to your room??  
not that Mom Dad does not like. 
only one will pouinho. 
Tabom

Monica turns off the light on and off "tv." 
not that Mom does not like Daddy. 
only one will poukinho. 
Tabom

Later...
Monica I arrived! um ... Congratulations, you take your lollipop. 
Mother Thanks very much else has sucked lollipop today..!

Children Fear the Beast

In a country school teacher asks the students:
- Oh, Peter, you have more than fear in the world?
- The Mule-without-head fessora!
- But ... Pedrinho The Mule-head no-no! And you, Marie? What is more afraid?
- Oh, fessora! - Susie said, anxious - I'm terrified of Saci Pererê!
- Susie ... The Saci Pererê does not exist ... You need not fear these things ... They are just legends ... Johnny, tell the class: what are you most afraid of?
- Oh, Aunt ... I'm afraid the Mail Man!
- Suitcase Man? - The teacher asks in astonishment - Who is this Man Mala, boy?
- Look, I do not know who he is, but every day, before bed, my mother asks God: "Let us not into temptation, but deliver us from the Mail Man!