Will Power Problem

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
Doctor, you must help me, she pleaded. It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.
I see, nodded the psychiatrist. And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?
 

For god's sake, no! exclaimed the Nurse. I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.

Wrong Idea

Mr. White, the biology teacher at a posh suburban girls' school, asked during class: Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body that, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily: Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.
With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure, replied: The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
 

Correct, said Mr. White. Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

Library Complain

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said: I have a complaint!
Yes, Ma'am? said the librarian looking up at her.
I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!
Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked: What was wrong with it?
It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever! said the blonde.
 

The librarian nodded and said: Ahhh... So you must be the person who took our phone book.

Touch Down

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks: What in the world was that?
The man says: Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing.
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her: What was that?
She replies: Touchdown, tie score.
The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
 

The wife asks: Now what in the world was that? He replies: Half time. Switch sides.

Too Crowded Delivery Room

Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician.
 

Nah, replied the mother-to-be, he and my husband don’t get along.

I don't Smoke

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
 

No thanks, the girl says. You know I don't smoke.

Going to see the Doctor

An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.
Where are you going? his wife asked.
I’m going to the doctor, he replied.
Why? she asked. Are you sick?
No, he said. I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.
So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.
Where are you going?” the old man asked.
I’m going to the doctor too, she replied.
Why? he asked.
 

If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!

Car Accident

A woman and her boyfriend are speeding down a country lane after leaving a party. The woman decides she wants to have some fun so she takes off all of her clothes so she can flash other motorists.
Unfortunately, the man gets a little distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but the man is trapped in the wreckage.
The only cover she can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch, runs to a nearby garage and shouts: Help my boyfriend is stuck!
 

The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, It looks like you’ll need a doctor, he’s too far in...!

Fortune Telling

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told: You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog says: This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?
 

No, says the psychic: Next semester, in her biology class.

Mum's Operation

Two women were bemoaning the state of the Health Service. One said, Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?
That's appalling, said the other woman. What a terrible way to treat someone of that age.
 

I know, said the first woman. It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, 'Mum, do you really need bigger boobs?'

Going on Vacation

A man is talking to his friend and he says: I'm about to go on vacation, and I don't know what to do.
His buddy asks: Why?
And the man says: Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was the Bahamas. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was Paris. I came back and my wife was pregnant again.
His buddy asks: So what are you going to do differently this year?
 

And the guy says: Well, this year I'm going to bring my wife.

Remedy Problem

A woman goes to see her doctor and explains that every time she sneezes, she has a massive climax.
Are you taking anything for it? her doctor asks.
 

 Yes, she replies: Pepper.

Second Hand Goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: So, how do you like using second-hand goods?
 

Doesn't bother me, the new husband replies. Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new.

Soda Machine

One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.
After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.
 

The blonde looked at them angrily and said: Get out of my face, I'm winning!

What you are Watching ?

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.
I said, What you watching that for? You can't cook.
 

She said, ........You watch porn!!.

Like an Olympic Sprinter

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.
The third woman was silent until she was asked, Tell us about your husband.
She thought for a moment and said, My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.
 

 He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.

Breast Implants

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says, Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now.
But I see you looking at other women, pleaded his wife, and I want to be as attractive as they are to you.
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time.
You think that'll make my breasts larger!? asked his wife.
 

Why not?" says the husband, It worked on your ass!

Don't Worry

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye.
Her husband's best friend says: Who was it?
That was my husband, she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
 

Relax, said the wife. He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you.

Good Son

Unable to attend his father's funeral, a son who lived far away called his brother who lived near his father and said: Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.
The next month, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. But the next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, assuming it was some incidental expense.
But when the third month yet another bill for $200.00 arrived, he finally called his brother to see what was going on.
 

Well, said the brother: You said 'do something nice for Dad,' So I did. I rented him a tuxedo!

. St. Peter Vs Cheerleaders

A high school cheerleading squad were in a bus that shot off a cliff killing all onboard... Don't laugh yet!
When they got to heaven they were met by St. Peter at the gate.
He asked the first girl if she had done anything with any boys, and she said to St. Peter that she had held a boys hand, so St. Peter told her to wash her hands in the holy water before entering heaven.
St. Peter then asked the second girl the same question, and she said she had kissed a boy, so Peter told her to wash her lips in holy water before entering heaven.
Then Peter noticed two farther back in line girls arguing over their position in line.
Peter asked the girls what was going on, and the one girl said to him,
 

I'm not gargling that after she sits in it.