Lottery Windfall

A woman buys a lottery ticket for a dollar. She wins the lottery and goes to the counter to claim her winnings. The man behind the counter verifies the woman's ticket number and she says: I want my $20 million. Where is it?
The man behind the counter replies: No, ma'am. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The woman says: Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.
Again, the man explains that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The woman, furious with the man, screams out:
 

Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 million dollars right now, then I want my dollar back!

Will Power Problem

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
Doctor, you must help me, she pleaded. It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.
I see, nodded the psychiatrist. And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?
 

For god's sake, no! exclaimed the Nurse. I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.

Last Wish

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him: Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!
Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!
Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money.
 

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

Chocolate Cake

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note from my girl, Don't eat me.
 

Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

Car Problem

A woman came home one day and told her husband: Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.
Her husband asked her what it was and she told him it had water in the injectors. The husband thought for a moment, then said: I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the injectors from the accelerator.
No, there's definitely water in the injectors, she insisted.
 

OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it? the husband asked.
In the lake.

Wrong Idea

Mr. White, the biology teacher at a posh suburban girls' school, asked during class: Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body that, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily: Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.
With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure, replied: The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
 

Correct, said Mr. White. Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.