Guilty

After a trial had been going on for three days, Clark, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty, he said.
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience? he demanded.
 

Clark looked up wide-eyed and stated: Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.

Lawyer's Rates

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked about the lawyer's rates.
$50 for three questions, replied the lawyer.
Isn't that awfully steep? asked the man.
 

Yes, the lawyer replied: and what was your third question?

Last Will

When Jim retired, he and his wife, who was much, much younger, moved to Wellington. Once they'd settled in, he decided it was about time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer.
I want it to be nice and straightforward, he instructed the attorney: Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, under the condition that she remarry within the year.
Fine, Mr. Ramsey, said the lawyer: But do you mind my asking why the condition?
 

Simple: I want at least one person to be sorry I died.

Sticky Hair

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.
Bear says, Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
Rabbit replies, No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?
 

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

Arab Terrorists

A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour.

Attorneys went into a Diner

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Clever Attorney

An attorney defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.
 

The defendant smiled. With his attorneys assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

An attorney was on Vacation

An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.
 

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Don't Tell my Mother

After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.
She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: Hello, Angela. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days? 

I'm practicing law, whispered Angela. But don't tell my mother. She still thinks I'm a prostitute.

What type of Tracks?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Brain's Cost

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
How much does it cost for engineer brain?
Three dollars an ounce.
How much does it cost for programmer brain?
Four dollars an ounce.
How much for lawyer brain?
$1,000 an ounce.

Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?

Lawyer's Fee Schedule

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
Alright, the lawyer says looking through his papers. You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

What! That sounds like a car payment schedule, retorted the client.
Your right. It's mine.

Lawyers not Honest

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer.
Sorry, but I can't do that,  replied the stonecutter. In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'.

But that won't let people know who it is! protested the lawyer.
Sure it will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, That's impossible..!