Touch Down

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks: What in the world was that?
The man says: Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing.
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her: What was that?
She replies: Touchdown, tie score.
The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
 

The wife asks: Now what in the world was that? He replies: Half time. Switch sides.

I don't Smoke

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
 

No thanks, the girl says. You know I don't smoke.

A Gift

A couple has not been getting along for years, so the wife buys her husband a cemetery plot for his birthday.
Well, you can imagine his disappointment. The next year, his birthday rolls around again and this time she doesn’t get him anything.
Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!? he asks angrily....!

Are you kidding me? She replies, You didn’t use what I got you last year!

Flowers

Woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband.
Now I guess he'll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air.
 

Why? asks her friend, Don't you have a vase?

Love Story

A Love Story
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,

Bad Luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?

What dear? She asked gently.
I think you bring me bad luck.

Women like Cards

A woman is like a pack of cards
You need a heart to love her
A diamond to marry her

A club to smash her head in
And a spade to bury the bitch

Bedside Wife

A man was sleeping on his deathbed. The man woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He said, " Martha, I have something to confess to you.
She said, "No dear, save your energy.

He said, I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you.
She said, I know, I poisoned you.

A Villager lost his Donkey

A villager went to the city to visit his son.
He had no money so his donkey was his only transportation.
When he reached the city he went to pee at the corner at the street, but while peeing the donkey ran away.
The old villager spent all day looking for his beloved donkey, but as the night fell he decided to find a place to rest.
As he had no money, he went to a hotel where he found an open room and laid under the bed to rest.
Later on that night a couple came into the room and proceeded to make love on the bed.
The man compliments the girl and says: 

In your eyes I can see the whole world
On hearing this the villager jumps out from under the bed and says:
If you can see the whole world, can you see where my donkey is?

Valentines Slogans

1.I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
2.Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
3.I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
4.This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
5.You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

6.Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
7.Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
8.You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
9.I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
10.If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Haunted from the Grave

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.

Ways To Turn Men Down

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, i'd rather have the money
He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
He: Your face must turn a few heads.
She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
He: Haven't I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.
He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.